cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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