the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
