So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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