I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
