Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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