Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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