I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
