So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
