I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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