I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
