He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
