So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize