Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Damn victory sex feels great
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
