Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
