he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
