I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
