Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
