just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
