Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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