Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
