I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
