I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
