You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
