there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
