I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
