I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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