so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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