I feel great
I just peed on a car
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She's the barista slut.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
