I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize