When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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