i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
