dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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