I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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