If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
