i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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