When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
