omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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