I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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