today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
