guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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