remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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