My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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