Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And then he peed in my hair
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