i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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