my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
