My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
