dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
