This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
