love makes seman taste better
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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