the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
