Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
