and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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