Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
