ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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