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I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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