I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
