i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
