Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
