No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
