People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
